Follow Up To: Do I Make You Feel Uncomfortable

As a follow up to my recent post, entitled Do I Make You Feel Uncomfortable, a friend of mine suggested that I write an article discussing “the correct ways to do things.” I ponder this may go along with my article, entitled Critical Teardown versus Constructive Criticism. As in most cases, to see what is wrong is a bit easier than to find the right corrective action for it. And I am not sure I have done any better work here.

As discussed in my last post, let us consider the topics of witnessing, touching, too personal, and personal space. As posted in red within the right column of my blog, one may note that these are merely my personal thoughts and are not to be used to judge my church, pastor, or its members, and thus the reader is free to agree or disagree with the assertions I put forth. But if you disagree, please suggest a positive alternative.

WITNESSING: Although I received a comment, to my last post, “If you don't want to make people feel uncomfortable, consider not proselytizing to non-believers,” witnessing is a command by God, both in the Old Testament and New Testament, which is clearly expressed by Jesus Christ before and after His crucifixion. Scripture saith, “For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek.” A person must realize that they are a sinner and need to repent (to turn from sin to Christ), to receive salvation by grace, through faith in Christ. This does not come from brow-beating a person into submission of our legalistic rules, but by showing them the Word of God, and what He has determined to be sin and righteousness. Conviction comes from the Holy Spirit using the Word of God; therefore, sometimes when non-believers become uncomfortable with the gospel of Jesus Christ, it is really being uncomfortable in their sin by the convicting presence of the Holy Spirit. Before one simply tries to witness, they should be in tune with the Spirit of God and His Word. This can’t be done on a spur of the moment, if we are not already striving to live obedient to Scripture, in a healthy, personal relationship with Christ. Quite often we need to take notice of the opportunities we have to witness to lost family and friends, which will seldom have one feeling uncomfortable, unless we question them in a public setting or exhaust their patience, by our continual placing more emphasis on each and everyone of their personal sins, than the grace and mercy that can be found through forgiveness in Christ. Remember a “good” sinner and a “bad” sinner are still sinners, and only the blood of Christ can cleanse us white as snow. Don’t witness in self righteousness, for it is the righteousness of Christ that saves a sinner from sin, and works in us to do that which is well pleasing to the Father. There is a greater chance of making persons feel uncomfortable as we witness, when we go door to door, pass out tracts, or simply speak to one is passing. When we offer a tract, if the person refuses to take it, accept their rejection. If a person is holding a beer, when they open the door as you hand them an invitation to church, don’t start railing or rebuking them on alcohol. Acknowledge we all have sin, even Christians are saved sinners, and that we all need the Savior, Jesus Christ. Be Holy Spirit led in witnessing, and don’t expect others to come to Christ, if you haven’t spent time with Him all day either.

TOUCHING: In dealing with touching, it seems that hugs have drawn the most attention from my previous post. It appears a lot of women are “huggers”, but the evidence remains that they do not all like to hug all men. So a man can scream to the roof tops, “Why won’t she hug me”, and the simple answer remains, “She doesn’t want to, and doesn’t owe it to you.” A friend of mine noted, at another place I posted my topic, the following:

First: a man is ALWAYS to wait for a lady to extend her own hand before he shakes hands with her. ALWAYS. It is considered rude in polite society for a man to extend his hand first. Since it is always assumed that a woman would not ever be the aggressor, but rather, is the weaker and gentler sex, the extension of her hand is a non-threatening gesture and always acceptable.

Second: this hugging rule is slightly trickier. Certainly one would not hug a complete stranger, however, in the company of friends, it is not considered impolite for a 'BRIEF,' yet warm, hug to be offered by a woman. If a woman hugs a man and he deems it uncomfortable, it is never polite to, in turn, make the woman feel uncomfortable, or to make her feel that she has done something wrong. It is ALWAYS up to the man to be a 'gentleman.'

Apparently, these were derived from Emily Post’s Etiquette, from 1922. If we take these at face value, the common theme is to allow the female person to extend the handshake or hugging toward a male person. I dare say that this may not remove all uncomfortable situations for the male, but I can’t help but believe this would be a much better practice; especially in a church setting. I am not addressing that we should not hug anyone, but I think one needs to consider, “Why do I want to hug them,” before they do it. Characters are easily seen, especially for persons in a church setting. People notice those that are “innocent huggers” and those which may appear to be “selective huggers” (and I will leave it at that). I completely realize that many family and friends grow up in church and honestly love one another and enjoy seeing each other on Sundays, but if the only time you talk to this teenage or younger woman is Sunday morning, do you really need a hug from her, men? Personally, I would say it is best to refrain from older men extending a hug toward a teenage or younger woman, unless she first extends it to him, and it is done openly.

TOO PERSONAL: I believe friendships and relationship must somewhat grow before we can expect someone to feel comfortable giving or accepting too much personal information about ourselves or themselves. The best policy should be, if you are not sure if the other person is comfortable talking about something (whether of them or you), I would suggest refraining from doing so, or asking them politely, would they mind first, and accept their answer without getting offended. Personal is exactly what it means, it is theirs or yours, and not necessarily for another person. Even though, both men and women enjoy a compliment, there is a line that one needs to take care not to cross over. “Your hair looks really nice today,” is not the same as saying, “Your skin looks so soft.” This may be a little extreme, but also consider the idea of whether the comment is made in passing, or is continuously elaborated on. Pay attention to your comments, before you say them, to see if they are questionable. If you think they could be taken wrongly, and cause the person to feel uncomfortable, don’t say it.

PERSONAL SPACE: Often times, especially in church, there is interaction of male and female persons. We need to take notice and beware that we do no invade another’s personal space, to cause them to become uncomfortable. If a female is alone in an area, and a male enters to speak with her (or vice versa), especially if you do not mutually see one another as friends (meaning already both feel comfortable with each other), take note that you allow “buffer” space to [1] ease the other party, and [2] not allow one in passing to take notice and assume something inappropriate. Keep doors open and remain visible to hallways, and if the other party seems uncomfortable, don’t make a scene, but dismiss yourself till others are present.

I may have done nothing but repeat my last post of this issue, but it is only because I consider it important and it seems that it is not often thought about. More than just touching can and does cause a person to become uncomfortable, and if all possible, we should refrain ourselves from being the cause. I believe that staying spiritually minded, in a prayerful relationship with Christ, meditating on the precious Words of God, we will be sensitive to the Holy Spirit, and the uncomfortableness that we could bring upon others and/or ourselves may be diminished.

Do I Make You Feel Uncomfortable

I saw a brief segment of the news Tuesday, and it was talking about the Clarence Thomas, Anita Hill case of 1991. Apparently, this recent interview stemmed from his writing of a book regarding himself, called “My Grandfather’s Son”, and it appears that he has been accused of trying to “re-write history” by doing so. The case of 1991, involves Anita Hill bringing sexual harassment allegations against Clarence Thomas, assumingly which he denies.

Although this story caused me to ponder this post, it is not really the topic I would like to discuss. I would rather simply entertain, for a moment, the idea of how we (both men and women) may actually make another person feel uncomfortable, with or without even knowing it.

I personally believe a person can become uncomfortable with us or us with them, accidentally, meaning one does or says something innocently, not meaning anything by it, yet it causes the other person to feel uncomfortable. I also believe, there is the intentional act, not really to cause one to become uncomfortable, but an “over the boundary” sort of act, which is intended to draw a particular reaction from the individual, whether the hoped for response is achieved or not, which may or may not be followed by a quick forethought “apology”, if the response is negative. Some sexual harassment readings will tell us that this can start with hints, words, and lead into brief or light touching, just to see how far one can go, to receive the response they desire.

But, again, I would like to cover, the somewhat less offensive (if there is such) ways of which I believe we may be causing people to feel uncomfortable, without even knowing it, yet maybe should be.

WITNESSING: As a Christian, I firmly believe that we should share our faith with others, and present the gospel in a clear Biblical fashion, according to the words of Christ in Scripture. I have been with persons that present the gospel, and ask the person if they would like to accept Jesus Christ as their Savior. The person politely avoided the question, but said that they may come to church Sunday. Instead of allowing the Spirit to move upon the person to conviction (which may be years later or another visit), they asked them about five more times, if they would like to ask Jesus to save them. This is not necessary Christian witnessing, and all it did was to cause the person to become uncomfortable with us. Who knows if the person would have come to church, if the person would have refrained from boxing them into a corner, by continuing to demand an answer? We cannot confuse our making a person uncomfortable with our forceful witnessing, with Holy Spirit conviction.

TOUCHING: My wife’s family is the “huggy” type, whereas my family is not. When we meet her family, there is always an exchange of hugs and maybe even a peck on the cheek. This is not to say this is wrong, but I often see hugging elsewhere that seems somewhat less appropriate and less desirable to the one being hugged. Take for instance, older men hugging the younger ladies (or girls) in the church setting, or elsewhere for that matter. Please understand, I am by no means claiming these men are perverts, I am simply noting the faces of some of the young girls I have seen being hugged. We should realize that maybe people do not feel comfortable hugging us, or us hugging them. They (as in a woman or a man) do not owe you a hug. You ask, how you can know if you make them feel uncomfortable or not – wait until they reach to hug you. If they don’t, don’t get offended, realize they just don’t need or want a hug at that moment. This also applies to older women hugging younger men (or boys), but it seems to be seen less, although some boys may find it uncomfortable to hug also. Although young children may hug more frequently (especially girls), as they mature, they may become less comfortable hugging an adult (especially a male) – even if they had for years as a child. Respect it.

TOO PERSONAL: This seems to be an area that many miss the signs of the other person growing uncomfortable. The simple fact is some persons click into friendships, whereas some do not. This is not to mean that something is wrong with one of the people, and/or the other person is simply unfriendly, but personalities and other factors do play a role in how friendships develop, and as to whether one becomes comfortable or uncomfortable with us (or another). Just because we feel comfortable with another person, to share all or some of our more personal thoughts, does not mean they feel comfortable listening to it or lending advice. We can cause some to become uncomfortable by telling them all about ourselves, as we can by asking them personal questions. We have no right to pry or ask another individual personal questions about anything, and expect them to feel comfortable sharing information with us. This is especially true when it comes to male and female interaction. Someone may be a very nice person, and unable to tell us that we make them uncomfortable, sharing all of our personal information or asking them of theirs, so we must not mistake their listening, as to them feeling comfortable with us. A lady (or teen) does not always need to know that you think she is beautiful, she looks nice in such and such of clothing, you like her skin tone, or if you were younger you might like her. Sorry guys, but the fact is, ladies may not mind one person expressing there thoughts in this matter, but they may not want to hear it from you.

PERSONAL SPACE: Personal space is when one finds themselves having to always call or be around another individual. Again, this may be because we really like (not necessarily as anything more than friendship) a person, and feel comfortable around them. Remember, just because we have attached ourselves to them (for whatever reason), doesn’t mean they feel comfortable around us, or that they are equally attached to us. This does not mean there is something wrong with them or us, it simply means they could be really busy, already have a best (or bests) friends they confide in, or simply just don’t feel that comfortable with us. A lot of times, ladies feel uncomfortable when placed in a setting alone with a man, especially if they do not already feel comfortable with that man, but it may also be true of a man they have known for years. Realize that (men and women), and don’t place the other party in that position of feeling uncomfortable.

We cannot make or cause one to feel more comfortable with us by invading their personal space, by always calling them, by telling them all of our personal history, by inquiring of all of their personal history, and/or by complimenting them on physical appearance, but we sure can cause them to become more uncomfortable around us. I sure would hope there is no Christian that has a desire to have others tip-toe uncomfortably around us, so lets take the time to observe ourselves, and how we are causing people to react to us. We can’t get mad or frustrated simply because someone may feel uncomfortable around us, we need only to acknowledge it, and desire to change our actions which are causing it. We may never be able to be best friends or as close to someone we really like (as we hoped), so we need to accept it and not allow it to cause us to become depressed about it, to where we become offended.

I am sure each one of us has been put into an uncomfortable situation before, and we know how it feels, even if the other person did not. How about we take the time to consider the other person (as in the above), and ask ourselves, Do I Make You Feel Uncomfortable.