Can I Divorce

A friend of mind recently asked me two questions, and I figured I would share my responses here. Please do share your thoughts, whether you agree or disagree.

The second question was:

Can I divorce [in reference to fighting or abuse]

Now, concerning divorce, I likewise find the answer both simple and complex. It is simple in the idea that I believe Scripture gives two reasons when divorce [can] occur, but are never spoken of in terms of [reasons to] divorce. [1] reason is because of fornication, as written in Matthew 5:32. The [2] reason seems to be in the unbelieving departs, as recorded in 1 Corinthians 7:15. Although, does “the unbelieving” pertain to them professing they are lost, or they claim to be saved but their actions proclaim they are lost? Now, Scripture clearly teaches [Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. - Matthew 19:6] Scripture also compares marriage to the relationship of Christ and the Church [Ephesians 5] which teaches security of the believer, in that Christ will never forsake the Church. When a man leaves his wife or a woman her husband, they are breaking that picture. Once saved, Christ cannot separate Himself from His sheep, nor can the sheep totally separate themselves from Christ [even if they try, for He will go get them – Matthew 18:12-14] Such is why a saved person is considered to be committing spiritual adultery when they choose to disobey God.

When it comes to questions like “two people fighting all the time” and “physical and/or emotional abuse”, I don’t find anywhere in Scripture that says it is okay to divorce. I know this goes against man’s nature and our initial knee-jerk reaction, but it simply isn’t in the Bible [at least not straight forward] as justifiable means to leave your spouse. Remember Christ said [Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. - Matthew 19:8] Sin is what causes two persons to always fight [or sometimes it could possibly be just one as the “main” cause over time] or to abuse one another [which can sometimes be the woman over the man]. We must remember that two persons choose to get married, and sometimes their choices were not soaked in the knowledge and wisdom of God but in fleshly appeal and desire. Then divorce is merely adding sin to the initial sin of getting married without God in the first place [even if held in a church]. So, a lot of factors play into the actual finalization of seeking divorce, which is why it is a hard question to answer when it comes to what may be permissible and what is not; at least to us, because God clearly knows.

With that said, I think there is wisdom we can glean from Scripture regarding the abuse [at least the physical type]. Scripture is clear to talk about how we are to treat people as we want to be treated, and for those who abuse people [whether physically, or steal from, murder, etc.] we have law enforcement, etc. [1 Timothy 2] So, I believe a person is biblically justified in calling the police and filing charges against their spouse if they are truly being abused. I also believe they would be justified no longer living with that person until there was a guarantee [by whatever means necessary] that it would be safe. Though, the question still remains: where in Scripture does it say they can divorce? Possibly, the Scripture about the unbelieving departing could be used, but I see no other references.

Same holds true with spouse who seems to fight all the time. We would like to say “God doesn’t want us to be alone” or “God doesn’t want us to be unhappy”, but that is not biblical teaching. That is man’s emotions.

Paul said, [Art thou bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife. But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I spare you. - 1 Corinthians 7:27] Once we have chosen to marry [regardless as to why or what transpires due to our sin or that of our spouse] we are commanded to stay married. Even fornication is not a reason [to] divorce, as there are many marriages when have been dealt that blow yet survived through forgiveness and reconciliation to God and each other. Nor is the unbelieving departing a [necessary to divorce], for it also says [Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. - 1 Peter 3:1-2]

I once had a friend of mine ask if it was okay for them to get a divorce, and I told them they had two options to consider:

[1] They could forget God and the Bible, and do whatever you want to do.

Or,

[2] They could [a] examine their own hearts in light of Scripture and the Holy Spirit, [b] confess and repent of any sin in their own life [regardless of what the other person is or isn’t doing], [c] obey God by submitting to or loving the other person [because God says so in Scripture, not because the other person deserves it], [d] choose to forgive the other person [whether they deserve it or not], [e] and beg God to help change them and that other person to renew their marriage.

They [easy] thing to do in our minds is to just leave, because we think we will be leaving the entire problem behind; but that’s not the case. We will [1] have our own issues of sin [because we are not perfect] even in another relationship, [2] if we have kids we will always have contact with the other person, [3] the kids will suffer and not understand, and [4] surely there will be financial, emotional, possibly other family and friend issues for many years to come [if not for as long as we live].

The first question we need to ask ourselves is: Why do I want a divorce?

That will expose our hearts.

Health: Renew Marriage Commitment Rather Than Divorce

Today, I came across an article at MSN.com, apparently provided by Redbook, entitled ‘Can You Spot the Hidden Heart Dangers?’. What caught my eye was not so much this title, but the included subtopic, ‘3. Your marriage’. They propose, ‘It's normal to have your share of tiffs with your spouse, but if your relationship with your partner is marked by constant stress and strain, your risk of heart attack increases up to 34 percent, according to a 12-year study of more than 9,000 men and women published in the Archives of Internal Medicine.’

This really got me thinking. According to Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, we are approximately at a divorce rate of 3.5 per 1,000 population in the United States. (see data) The Christian Science Monitor claims, ‘The divorce rate fell 4 percent in 2008 to 16.9 divorces per 1,000 married women, according to Census Bureau data. It had previously been on an upward path, rising from 16.4 divorces per 1,000 married women in 2005 to 17.5 in 2007.’

By some sources, we boast over 50% in our divorce rate here in the United States. I say boast, because I don’t see much (if any) remorse or humility with such a standing in the world from us. Even with the cry over the ‘Sanctity of Marriage’, according to The Christian Post, ‘Among all born again Christians, which includes evangelicals, the divorce figure is 32 percent, which is statistically identical to the 33 percent figure among non-born again adults, the research group noted.’

Today, there are many reasons people give to justify divorce. Even as Christians, we tend to bend, twist, and even ignore the very Word of God we claimed to be our source of Truth, just to allow ourselves, family, or friends to escape the feelings of remorse or guilt for desiring to leave their spouse. I am fully aware of the few (and I stress a couple, realizing opinions vary with this topic) Biblical reasons for divorce, but far too often we as Christians are merely grasping at straws trying to pull God into our corner to justify our sinful lusts and covetousness. God is not fooled, nor does/will He excuse our sin.

What this article caused me to ponder is will this be yet a new reason for Christians (or others) to give to try and validate their wish to divorce their spouse? ‘We need to divorce, because my health is being affected.’

I am grateful the article actually posed a positive solution, by stating, ‘To avoid a heart attack—not to mention improve your marriage—consider going for counseling, says Georgiades.’ Now, I am not suggesting every couple that is having problems needs to run out and see a counselor. What I do agree with, is every marriage should seek reconciliation rather than separation, a reason to work at renewing the marriage commitment rather than seeking divorce.

Woe Unto Them That Call Evil Good

Well, those who oppose Biblical Truth to embrace the transgression thereof are at it again. It simply amazes me at the lengths some persons will go to in trying to justify their depravity. It is one thing to do what one will claiming Scripture holds no rule over them, but quite another for one to try to use God and Scripture to support their iniquity.

Lisa Miller of Newsweek has apparently written an article entitled, ‘Our Mutual Joy’, stating, ‘Opponents of gay marriage often cite Scripture. But what the Bible teaches about love argues for the other side.’

R. Albert Mohler Jr. of Baptist Press gives a lengthy, but worthy rebuttal entitled, ‘Newsweek turns Bible on its head.’

Mrs. Miller is not the first to attempt such, for there have been others such as Ray Boltz, Peggy Campolo, President Elect Obama, the writers/authors of For the Bible Tells Me So, and even the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America which have tried to justify the immorality of homosexuality by use of Scripture.

Yet, this misuse of Scripture to try and justify ones sin is not limited to just homosexuality, the same thing has been done regarding abortion also. It can also be found in ones desire to leave their family and turn their backs to their wedding vows even in the marriage of Christians.

Why must we as Christians or non try to corrupt the very Word of God to seemingly justify our degenerate minds and actions? This will in no way make us less guilty before the One True Holy God. Sin is sin, whether we accept it, repent, and receive forgiveness from it, or merely try to rationalize it, embrace it, and die lost in it.

Isaiah declared, ‘Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!’

Fireproof

This past Friday night, some of us from church decided to go see Fireproof. I would recommend the movie to young people and couples, those whose marriages are fine and those which are not. I believe the principles laid out in the movie are good, even for those who may not believe their marriage needs God.

This is not just some silly ‘chick flick.’ There is both action and comedy, but the storyline is very much serious. But, if you are looking for some high definition special effects, you will easily miss the importance of the message. The purpose of this film is not merely to have one veg-out watching a meaningless movie, but to consider ones own lifestyle and marriage by the time they walk out the theater.

Before making the showing, I had heard some discontent that the movie did not have more of a church scene, meaning the couple attending church or finding help from a particular local church. Although, that may be the case, the plan of salvation and Christian testimonies from co-workers and family members were clearly displayed throughout. And, without giving much away, the end gives reference to attendance at a local church if one would pay close attention.

It was also noted that some had made mention that Kirk Cameron will not kiss anyone besides his wife, so she stood in for the kissing scenes at the end. If such is the case, I would highly commend Kirk Cameron, for why would a husband wish to make a movie about ‘fireproofing your marriage’ while kissing another woman on screen?

Overall I enjoyed the movie, and believe anyone that would take pleasure in watching a good clean movie would also enjoy it. I also believe any young person or couple could benefit from watching such a film.

Twisted Inside, Heart Against Mind

Twisted inside, heart against mind
Emotional turmoil, where fear does dine
Knowledge and wisdom, right and wrong
The mind rejects, the heart’s love song
Struggling, do they yet fight
As choices and costs, come to the light

Tears in the shadows, cries in the night
Hidden from other, people’s sight
Pain grips the soul, smothering breath
With a worn body, that finds no rest
Fighting the will, a desire to hold on
Afraid to let go, of being alone

The eyes see no other, the senses die
The season changes, now winter resides
Where the warmth, of spring once dwelt
Now covered in snow, with no sun to melt
The heart quivers, alone in the cold
Rebuked by the mind, for being so bold

How may one, just let love go
Stand there still, and let it flow
From the veins, of your very heart
As it pulls and tares, your whole being apart
How do you stop love, and survive the woe
While a part of the heart dies, as you let go

Tomorrow will come, and so will the next
Day after day, though the spirit still vexed
Consumed by sickness, some claim is benign
Learn to go on, a moment at a time
Seal up the heart, for the wounds to heal
Hide away forever, never again to reveal

For the anguish torments, deep down inside
In the void of silence, where joy did reside
Knowledge it’s gone, yet denial remains
The heart holds to hope, while the mind refrains
Logic and reason, strap the heart in submission
As love fades away, vanishing into remission

July 27, 2008

“God Doesn’t Want Me To Be Unhappy”

I have heard this statement more than once, and largely in the context of a wife desiring to leave (divorce) her husband. Where exactly does such a thought arise? I find it not within the writings of Scripture, so who then is the author of such?

First, I would like to take a look at the central word, which is interestingly “Me”. Now, I may be going out on a limb here, but usually when a person centralizes their thoughts upon self they are considered to be self-centered. A synonym for self-centered is selfish, meaning “devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.”

Now, I am not going to assume that everyone (or anyone) that claims this line of reasoning, when considering the idea of divorce, may not have a legitimate reason for separation from their spouse (though Biblical justification is very limited and seldom adhered to), but I do believe this says more about their spiritual condition than it does of the marital condition of why they feel justified in leaving.

If by chance, there were such a teaching as “God Doesn’t Want Me To Be Unhappy”, how exactly would that work toward a family? For a moment, let us consider this analogy a bit:

Husband + Wife + Children = Family

Wife (or Husband) wants out and claims “God Doesn’t Want Me To Be Unhappy”. They are finally awarded a divorce, and apparently (but probably not) find happiness in it.

Has the Husband (or Wife) and Children found happiness also, given only the desires of the other to leave the Family has been granted? Does not God want the other spouse and children to be happy also? What child is ever happy at the divorce of their parents? The logic simple does not add up.

Honestly, I don’t find the teaching “God Doesn’t Want Me To Be Unhappy” anywhere in Scripture. What I do find is God telling us that we will find joy in obedience to Him. To look and desire joy outside of the Word of God is to enjoy the pleasures of sin but for a season. Remember sin is any transgression against the law of God (both internal and external acts).

When one entertains the thought of divorce (or any other act) one must first examine their personal relationship with God. Are we in tune with the Spirit and adhering to the Word of God, or have we simply placed “ME” in the center of all that is and have just become selfish in our thinking?

Though we may think we are making our future happy by putting asunder what God has joined together, happiness for ourselves, our spouse, and our children is not what will be found.

As I once heard a pastor say, “If one would put as much work into the marriage as they do to get out of the marriage, most likely the marriage and happiness could be restored to the entire family.”

There is one truth to “God Doesn’t Want Me To Be Unhappy” and that is God has given us Scripture whereby to live our lives, and has sent His Son Jesus Christ that we might be forgiven of sin and be given eternal life. When we reject His Word and/or His Son, there is no true happiness to be found.

Trying Marriage On For Size, and Canceling at Any Time

“"I think marriage is the new dating and having kids is the new marriage," she proclaims loudly, as yet another woman dining with her partner turns to stare. "It's true. I wouldn't have married him if I didn't think I could get out of it."”

A woman, named Andi in the article, somewhat seems to gloat about how she decided to get married at 27, and decided to get a divorce at 28. She decided, “Within months of promising to love and honor and cherish Tucker forever, she knew she had made a huge mistake. The problem? He was boring.” I can’t help but wonder if Tucker actually changed, or was it merely Andi that despised the ‘C’ word: commitment. As the writer notes, “I know there have been days in my own five-year marriage when I've dreamed of reclaiming my freedom.” “Reclaiming my freedom”, is pure selfishness, in direct conflict with what your commitment to God, your vows, your husband, and your family stands for.

Given statistics: “While newly-marrieds everywhere fear the one-in-two-marriages-fail statistic, the more relevant stat is that while the median age at which a woman first marries is 25, the median age at which she first divorces is 29. In fact, 20 percent of marriages fail within five years, and of those, one in four end within two years. So much for until death do us part.”

Given reasons: “Of course, our generation can afford to chuck the Cinderella story when the glass slipper doesn't fit. While our grandmothers were forced to remain shackled to unhappy unions for monetary reasons, most women today have the financial wherewithal to cry uncle and bolt whenever we get uncomfortable.”

Given ideas: “Pamela Paul, author of the book The Starter Marriage, who herself was divorced less than a year after taking her vows at age 27. "Ours is an H&M culture, where you go out and buy 10 cheap items for the season, then toss them, rather than investing in one beautiful coat you'll wear for another 10 seasons. More and more women have that throwaway mentality with their first marriage — the 'I want it now' attitude." Until, of course, you don't.”

This Andi, has apparently remarried. We ask why? Is this new guy, not boring? She notes, “Then she met David. He was supposed to be her rebound relationship. Three years later, she realized that she wanted to have kids with him — and that was the clincher.” So, are we to gather, that she will stay committed to this relationship? I guess there is no guarantee, in that she says, “"I'm happy, but I try not to think about it," she says. "It's like, if I thought I had to have my hair the same way for the rest of my life, I'd freak out."”

Commitment folks. If you don’t think you will be able to honor your commitment to God and your potential spouse, don’t make it. Maybe if we would adhere to more wisdom before dating and committing ourselves to a person (for marriage is “till death do you part”), and once we have freely done so, to earnestly contend to do that which is right, in the sight of God, we may not have so many Trying Marriage On For Size, and Canceling at Any Time.

With this lack of respect for the institution of marriage, given by God, even among professing Christians, I can’t help but wonder why homosexuals are fighting so hard to be a part of it.